Ask the Doc

Dr. Olson welcomes your questions and comments about your sexual identity, coming out, sexual functioning, relationships, and how to face aging with optimism. Feel free to write him about any of these or related topics.

Dr Olson

Dr. Olson will always respect your privacy. Although he may use the content of your message in a blog post, he will never disclose your identity, age, or specific location in his responses. Any information that might reveal your identity will be altered in such a way that it protects your identity. All questions have been edited and abbreviated for publication.

His responses are not to be considered medical advice.

Is My Old Boyfriend Gay But in Denial?

Hi Dr. Olson,

Last year, I dated a sixty-five-year-old dentist. It was an on-and-off again relationship. He seemed humble, engaging, and honest when I first met him. He was married to his wife for thirty-five years, and during the last two years of his marriage he watched a lot of heterosexual porn.

He had no interest in touching or pleasuring me. He said he was confused and needed to find himself. He had admitted to hundreds of fantasy affairs with different women.

My questions are these: Is he gay or bi but in denial? Is he a narcissist and sociopath? Is he a porn or sex addict? I can’t stop thinking about how he used, gaslighted, and traumatized me. I wish I had never fallen for him.

Wanting Answers

Suicide Risk Is Unpredictable

Dr. Olson,

My husband is struggling with his sexuality, and sometimes he speaks about wanting to “end it all.”

I can’t tell if this is a cry for help, a manipulation, or a real imminent danger. It is hard to know which kind of risk I am dealing with. How can I decide which it is?


Masculinity and Anal Fantasies

Dr. Olson,

I am a thirty-two-year-old man. I was born and raised in India but now live in Canada. To please my parents, I married a woman in a religious ceremony in India after she became pregnant. Now we have an infant son. We are in a de facto or common law relationship.

When I was young, I was short and fat, and I was bullied a lot. I thought women would never like me because I am short. I regained some confidence after losing weight.

When I discovered man-on-man porn, I began to fancy being a receptive partner in anal sex. But I was afraid that if I bottomed, I would lose my attraction to women or even become a woman.

I lost my virginity in my midtwenties with a female sex worker, and then I had sex with a few other female sex workers, but I never enjoyed it.

When I moved to Canada, I discovered apps where I could meet older men. I never allowed penetration, but the foreplay turned me on. The first kiss I ever had was with a man.

When I have had sex with women wearing a condom, I have had some difficulty with erections. After I met my wife, we began having unprotected sex, and I had strong erections.

I cannot accept that I have sexual desires for men, and I struggle with the idea of being a receptive partner. It never ends.


Being a Chubby Chaser

Dr. Olson, 

Would you please write a book about chubby chasers from a psychiatrist’s perspective, including what our sexuality is like and its likely origins? Psychiatrists don’t consider us to be normal. We are miscategorized as having a fat fetish.

My first awareness of my fascination with fat people was when my brother showed me his copy of The Guinness Book of World Records and said jokingly, “It has the world’s heaviest people in it.” He isn’t attracted to fat men, but I am. It couldn’t have been the book that caused my attraction, neither was I abused into it as the fatphobes believe.

Throughout childhood, I dreamed about those fat people in that book. Something was pleasant about their body size. After I discovered masturbation when I was thirteen years old, I became aware that my feelings toward fat men were sexual.

I didn’t learn the term chubby chaser until I had access to the internet at eighteen years old.


What Should I Say to My Wife When I Come Out?

Dr. Olson,

I’m listening to Finally Out: Letting Go of Living Straight on Audible, and so many things you say are relevant to my situation. I’m planning to come out to my wife next week, and I am absolutely petrified. I feel so sick and anxious, but I have to do something.

I have written this letter that I plan to read to her:

I absolutely love our life together. I love our children with all my heart, and I love and care about you, but I can’t love you enough in the way you deserve to be loved. My growing attraction to men means I can’t love you in the way I once did, even though I desperately want to.

I feel so confused and lost and like a complete failure as a husband. I have tried so hard to fix this on my own (mainly by burying it), but I just can’t keep it to myself anymore.

Over and over in my mind, I keep playing the image of closing that front door, with my children asleep in their beds upstairs, and walking away and driving to god knows where.

What do you think of my letter? Is this the best way to do it?


When Will the Pain from My Divorce End?

Dr. Olson,

I’ve been divorced now for three years. When will the pain end?


Did I Ruin My Family’s Lives by Coming Out?

Dr. Olson,

I knew I was gay from age thirteen. I thought it would pass as I got older, but it didn’t. No one knew of my sexuality as my father was very against it. A men’s locker room was not a good place to share it either. Pressure got to me, and I married a woman and had a child.

We had a fantastic life together, but I always felt I was missing out on who I was. This past summer I finally shared with my family that I have always been gay. The weight of the world was lifted, but now I have destroyed the life of my wife and child. Three years ago, I met someone, and I love him. Will it get easier?


Becoming Comfortable with Age-Gap Relationships

Dr. Olson,

When I was in my twenties, I fell deeply in love with a man who was nearly sixty years old, and we are still together ten years later. It’s the greatest relationship I have ever had. His life-loving attitude makes me feel he is so young at heart that I sometimes think he is younger than me, and that’s one of the things I love about him.

 I have always been attracted to men with silver hair and a belly, and I could never figure out why! I had an amazing, loving father, but he was gone a lot. I don’t know if that is why I am attracted to older men.

I was always concerned about what my gay and straight friends would think about me, knowing I’m with a man who is over thirty years older than me.

From my experience, not all older men know how adorable and sexy they are and how much they are sought after!


I’m a Gay and Shy Priest and Exhibitionist

I am all of these, and there is no changing that.

Guest Post by Fr. “Jack Sands”

I sent an email to my friend Dr. Olson with these four words describing myself: gay, priest, exhibitionist, and shy. I wrote, “These four words do not go together!” I was struggling with my sexuality and was looking for some comfort.

Complex PTSD

Dr. Olson,

I’ve known I was gay since I was about 10. I grew up in Southern Baptist Mississippi.

I’ve struggled with MDD [major depression] and GAD [generalized anxiety disorder] all my adult life. And it’s been bad lately.

I recently learned about c-PTSD [complex posttraumatic stress disorder] which results from ongoing childhood trauma. Many of the symptoms associated with c-PTSD explain a lot of my specific behaviors associated with my depression and anxiety. (I was also diagnosed with ADHD [attention deficit hyperactivity disorder] . . . but not until my twenties, and I’m in my forties now.)

Do you think that constantly being afraid of being “found out” could be considered an “ongoing childhood trauma” for c-PTSD?


Is Crossdressing an Invitation?

Dear Dr. Olson,

I'm in my sixties and really enjoy giving blow jobs.

I have a friend I have known for years that crossdresses. His wife is very aware and helps him dress.

I would really like to suck him off. Should I ask him? His wife? Both together? My feeling is that I should ask his wife first.


So, You Want to Write a Book?

Dr. Olson,

I see that your about to publish your second book, No More Neckties. What inspired you to write them? I’ve always liked to write but have only recently begun to think about writing a book. What advice would you give me? What inspires you to write? What’s the best thing about being an author?

Eager Author

Penis Size and Ejaculatory Problems

Dr. Olson,

I am in my early forties, and I’ve never had sex except to masturbate. Is it normal to cum too fast? I cum in about five minutes. What is the average size of a dick if you don’t mind my asking? I am just admitting I am gay, and I get nervous around guys because I get aroused quickly. 

Intermittent or Event-Driven Truvada for HIV Prevention

Hi Dr. Olson,

I’ve been on Truvada for about three years. Occasionally, I stop taking it when I’m not sexually active. I’ve stopped for as long as three months and then started back up again. My doctor says this is fine but I’ve heard from sex partners this approach lowers the efficacy. Your thoughts?

Why Am I Afraid to Have Sex?

Dr. Olson,

I’m in my mid-60s, and I’ve been out since my mid-20s. I’ve never been in a long-term relationship. In fact, I’ve had relatively little sexual activity during my life, but not for lack of desire. 

In looking over the occasions when I have had sex, I can’t think of one that was a positive experience. I’m fearful, anxious, and self-conscious to the point that I (and probably the other guy) do not have a good time. 

All Relationships Are U-Shaped

Hi, Loren.

Thank you for your article on age discrepancy in gay relationships. I am in my mid-forties, and until recently I had a partner who is twenty years younger. For most of our relationship, the age difference was never an issue; we accepted each other and were bound by love. Some of our friends and family commented on and questioned our relationship, but eventually they felt the love. Unfortunately, our relationship ended. He asked me to let him go so that he could take charge of his life. We still care for each other and will support each other, but being in a relationship now is not going to happen. I am seeing a therapist, meditating, eating well, exercising, throwing myself into my work, and leaning on my friends. I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Monogamy in Gay Couples

I’m a twenty-five-year-old openly gay man, and I’ve always liked older men. Many of my gay friends who are close to my age are critical of me and suspicious of my motives. My gay friends don’t understand it, but I don’t understand it myself, so I can’t explain it to them. I feel like I’m the only one who has this problem. I’d like to understand this better. Can you refer me to anything I might read about this?

Age Differences in Gay Couples

Dr. Olson,

I don’t know how to ask this, not even sure if I should, but I will. Given that there is a difference in sex drives between younger and older men, and you are significantly older than your partner, did that ever create conflict for you and/or him, and if so, how did you resolve it?

Loving Women with Penises

Dr. Olson,

I feel a bit lost. I’m in my late twenties, and I have been trying to date women quite unsuccessfully for years. As a teenager I didn’t know if I liked women or men. I didn’t get aroused by looking at women in erotic materials most of the time, but I didn’t have much response looking at erotic materials of men either.

One day I found a website and thought this woman looks like the type of woman I would like to have sex with. Scrolling down, I realized she was a nonoperative, transgender woman—a woman with a penis—and I had a stronger reaction than I have ever had. I avoided it for years.

“Is My Husband Gay?”

Dear Dr. Olson,

Several months ago I met my boyfriend at a party and we really clicked. He asked me out and we’ve dated since then. He treats me very well. A few months after we started dating, he told me he thought he might be bisexual. He said he’s never been in a sexual relationship with a man, but he admits to having erotic fantasies when in the presence of attractive men our age. He admits those attractions are growing stronger. He vacillates between wanting a relationship with me and exploring his same-sex attractions. He doesn’t want to commit to me “until I understand my sexuality better.” Should I try to encourage him to stay with me or set him free to explore his sexuality? Am I being too old fashioned?

Religion and the Shackles of Lies and Hypocrisy

Dr. Olson,

Thank you so much for your essay on loneliness. It felt like the story of my life. I am currently seeking ways to free myself from the closet. I am older, not young. Maybe it’s beginning to happen now. I have read much about liberating myself from what I call “the shackles of lies and hypocrisy.” For me, religion has been a big difficulty. I’m trying my best to overcome my religion’s expectations and living a lie in the closet.

Coming Out as Bisexual

Dear Loren,

I am a gay-leaning bisexual man, and I still love my wife after being married for forty years. I’m struggling with the morality, risks, and benefits of “coming out.” There doesn’t seem to be a good way to do this as a bisexual without harming my wife, damaging our relationship, and complicating her relationships with our mutual friends and family. My wife and I are monogamous, and I have no interest in changing that. What is to be gained by being publicly open? Did you ever consider coming out as bisexual? Perhaps it’s a generational issue.

When Should I Say “I Love You”?


I am a mid-20s, gay male from [East Asia]. I have not come out. I have found the love of my life and he is in his mid-60s. I am from a higher caste than he is, but neither of us see that as a problem. I think he considers me his son. I have met his family and they accept me. We speak to each other about very personal things, but we have never spoken about our love for each other or my being gay. I think he knows that I love him. I want to tell him that I love him, but I am afraid to for fear of losing this relationship. What do you think I should do?

My Partner Has Lost Interest in Sex

Dr. Olson,

I have been with my partner for 24 years and we still have a good relationship, but he has lost all interest in sex. He treats me well and really seems to care about me, but we haven’t had any sexual intimacy in almost three years. When I want to talk about it, he casually dismisses the subject. I miss having that physical intimacy and wonder if it’s okay to experience it outside my relationship with him.

Can God Help Me Stop Being Sexually Attracted to Other Men?

Hello, Dr. Olson,

I am a thirty-yearold man who only recently realized that I am gay. I come from a very, very conservative Christian background, so every sense of being attracted to other boys was shut down until recently when I met a guy who rocked me deeply to my core. I have come out to a few family members who’ve told me that Satan has found a breach in my soul and entered, and he is now trying to destroy me and my family. I am reading the Bible and praying that God can change me, but I know deep down that I don’t want it to work. Do you think that I can be changed?

I Think My Husband Might Be Gay

Dr. Olson:

My best friend recently told me that she thinks my husband might be gay. My initial reaction was to tell her she’s crazy and to mind her own business. But now that I’ve had some time to think about it, I wonder if she could be right. I’ve seen the signs for some time but always made excuses for Daniel since he’s a good husband and great father to our kids. What’s the best way to bring up the subject with him? Should I be blunt and just ask him if he’s gay?

How Can I Help My Wife Deal with My Coming Out?

A middle-aged man who has just come out to his wife wrote that she is very angry and depressed, and he asked how he can help his wife get through this. He wrote that he still loves his wife and is concerned for her. He asked not to be further identified.

What Do I Tell My Kids?

A middle-aged man, who’d just came out to his wife and requested that he not be identified in any way, asked how to come out to his children.

What Do I Tell My Kids?

A middle-aged man, who’d just came out to his wife and requested that he not be identified in any way, asked how to come out to his children.

Religion and the Shackles of Lies and Hypocrisy

Dr. Olson,

Thank you so much for your essay on loneliness. It felt like the story of my life. I am currently seeking ways to free myself from the closet. I am older, not young. Maybe it’s beginning to happen now. I have read much about liberating myself from what I call “the shackles of lies and hypocrisy.” For me, religion has been a big difficulty. I’m trying my best to overcome my religion’s expectations and living a lie in the closet.