A middle-aged man who has just come out to his wife wrote that she is very angry and depressed, and he asked how he can help his wife get through this. He wrote that he still loves his wife and is concerned for her. He asked not to be further identified.
Contrary to the picture that is often painted of us, many of us who have come out continue to love our wives and are concerned about them. We feel a sense of shame and guilt about having caused our families such pain, and many of us have avoided dealing with our sexual attractions for years because we wanted to protect the family from that pain. What we’ve caused our families to experience through no fault of theirs may feel more like a time of sadness and loss than a sense of freedom. The feeling of freedom about finally living an authentic life is compromised by the pain that we have caused to others we love. Continue reading
A middle-aged man, who’d just came out to his wife and requested that he not be identified in any way, asked how to come out to his children.
When I came out, I was in my early forties, and I had been married for eighteen years. My wife and I had two children under the age of thirteen. Having lost my father when I was three years old, my highest commitment was always to be the best father I could possibly be, and I felt so much sadness, shame, and guilt when even thinking about walking away from them. Continue reading
Dear Dr. Olson,
I was married to a “bi” man for over twenty years. We never told our son until we separated and were divorcing. He wanted to know why we were divorcing, so his dad told him. Our son was a teenager when my ex-husband disclosed this. How does keeping the sexual orientation of a parent secret from a child affect a child/teen/man psychologically? My ex had sex with only men besides me before and during our marriage and identified as openly gay after our divorce.
You have asked a good question that does not have an easy answer. First of all, it depends upon the child’s level of maturity and experience in the world. Continue reading
I recently received an email from the child of a parent who came out when this child was fourteen years old. In preparation for writing an essay about the experience, the child asked me a series of questions. My answer follows each question below.
- What was the aha moment that you had when you finally decided to come out to your family? To yourself?
I grew up in the 1950’s – 60’s. FINALLY OUT resonated with me because I grew up in the insularity of a rural environment. I was ignorant of homosexuality also. I am now in my sixties and I feel lonely and in despair. After 30 years of marriage, I came out to my wife. I have struggled to find a good therapist who can understand what I’ve been going through.
Most of the gay literature focuses on the coming out process for young gay men and women. Are there any that describe the trials of coming out as an older man?
I am concerned about your “lonely despair.” Even at your age, it is possible to successfully get through this process of coming out. In my research, the oldest man I came across was in his nineties when he came out, and he was living with his gay lover when I met him. The most important thing for you to do today, however, isn’t to be seeking a lover, but finding friends, gay or straight, who accept you as you now have revealed yourself to your wife, but also, more importantly, to yourself. Continue reading
Having children has always been very important to me, and I have been blessed to have a son and two daughters. I worry how coming out might impact my relationship with them. How did your coming out affect your relationship with your kids? If you had come out as a younger man, would you have still wanted to be a father?
Being a father was one of my highest priorities. I lost my father when I was three years old and I had promised myself to be the best father I could possibly be. A large part of what delayed my coming out was a fear that I was abandoning my relationship with my children and breaking a vow I’d made to my wife. Continue reading
I’m very new to all of this. In fact, I’ve never been with a man sexually, although I’ve thought about it for a long time. I find myself vacillating between excitement and nervousness over the anticipation. I made eye contact with someone at the gym today but wasn’t sure what to do next. I’m considering a weekend at a clothing optional resort, hoping to explore the gay community a bit more. I’m looking for one that isn’t too seedy but one where I can have some good conversations with other like-minded men.
Of course, you’re nervous as well as excited. All very normal. Cruising goes on everywhere. Eyes meet, when a glance is held for a bit longer than the look between heterosexual men. It’s the initial communication of some interest. Once you’re aware of it, you become a participant without even intending to. It’s a learned response, and once learned, it never goes away. All it means is that you’ve developed some comfort in looking at another man. Heterosexual men are usually uncomfortable with it and will look away quickly. Continue reading