Male sexual functioning

Why Am I Afraid to Have Sex?

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Dr. Olson,

I’m in my mid-60s, and I’ve been out since my mid-20s. I’ve never been in a long-term relationship. In fact, I’ve had relatively little sexual activity during my life, but not for lack of desire. 

In looking over the occasions when I have had sex, I can’t think of one that was a positive experience. I’m fearful, anxious, and self-conscious to the point that I (and probably the other guy) do not have a good time. 

I’m grateful that I’ve never had erectile dysfunction, but I typically stay hard for a long time without having an orgasm. 

The first time I had sex, I caught gonorrhea. Another time, I had a panic attack the day after sex because I was so scared of having been exposed to HIV, but I wasn’t. 

I want to have an enduring, romantic, and monogamous relationship with another man. For me, that means I have to first establish a substantial emotional connection so that I can feel “safe” enough to have sex with a guy.

But how realistic is that at my age and with my sexual history?

I’ll answer your last question first: you are never too old to have sex. Men can remain sexually active well into late life, and your life expectancy is at least fifteen years, possibly much longer. Your age and sexual history should not discourage you from seeking a satisfying sexual relationship with a partner. So let’s talk about your other concerns. 

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My Partner Has Lost Interest in Sex

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Dr. Olson,

I have been with my partner for 24 years and we still have a good relationship, but he has lost all interest in sex. He treats me well and really seems to care about me, but we haven’t had any sexual intimacy in almost three years. When I want to talk about it, he casually dismisses the subject. I miss having that physical intimacy and wonder if it’s okay to experience it outside my relationship with him.

For a variety of reasons, all couples, gay or straight, travel through sexual deserts, but a three-year trek through this desert is an unusually long period of time. First, let’s examine male sexual functioning in general terms. (You can get a copy of my handout on self-esteem on my website.)

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Is Porn Ruining Your Sex Life?

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Dr. Olson,

I’m sexually attracted to my wife, and she is a very sexual person, but sometimes we don’t have sex for a while because I have been watching porn, masturbated, and can’t be sexual with her. She thinks I’m addicted to porn and interprets my sexual contentment as not finding her attractive. I guess I’ve been neglecting her needs by giving myself an orgasm. There are so many different angles to sexuality, and it is challenging to match two people’s unique drives.

You are not alone in this. A recent report in the Washington Post suggests that adults in the United States are having less sex, and the number of people who reported having no sex at all in the past year reached an all-time high in 2018.

Full disclosure: While I’d like to say that my interest in porn has been purely scientific, the fact is sometimes I enjoy porn. Let’s set aside the issues of whether lust, masturbation, and porn are sinful and look only at the behavior.

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Cross-Dressing Gay or Bisexual Husband

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How do I start a conversation with my wife about the disappointment I feel that she cut off any kind of kink we used to engage in, which she knew was a passion of mine before we married. I told her early on that I had a cross-dressing desire, was bisexual, and needed to be submissive to a dominant partner of some kind at times. She became my dominatrix for a couple of years, and we occasionally would dress in lingerie together and even chat with men online, as well as talk openly about our desires, which made sex so fun and nonjudgmental and free to new things.

Then very suddenly she announced she wouldn’t do anything “perverted” anymore with little explanation but I’m sure she had enough of the gay side of me. But she would never discuss why officially.
We have continued to have an active sex life, but honestly it feels like she’s getting what she wants and I have no choice but to give up on my needs because they are perverted and bad and I’m forced to limit my sexual desires because of her rules.
How do I broach the subject after a few years that I need her to meet me somewhere near the middle? How do I ask her to help me satisfy my needs occasionally, with her participation? What do I do to get her to open up again to communication? She was so playful before and now she’s not imaginative at all.

What if she ignores or rejects my concerns?

According to Urban Dictionary, cross-dressing is “the act of one dressing up as the gender that they do not normally find themselves living as. This is done usually as a hobby, in order to live out fantasies, for drag shows/parties, or for sexual excitement. Oh, and just to make it clear; Transsexuals do not cross-dress, and cross-dressers aren’t necessarily LGBT.”

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Spontaneous Erections

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I am a naturist, and some women in our community claim that a “real” naturist man would not get an erection without being sexually aroused. I believe spontaneous erections happen without sexual arousal. I remember multiple daily erections during my elementary and middle school years. What in the world causes an erection in math class? Aren’t spontaneous erections the sign of a happy, healthy male of any age rather than a sign of sexual arousal?

An erection is a  complex physiological process involving the brain, nervous system, hormones, and muscles. It makes sense why women who are naturists might associate erections with a desire for sex; many of them may have only had experience with an erect penis in a sexual context.

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