Alcoholism

Alcoholics Anonymous and Honesty about Same-Sex Desires

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I’m very conflicted now. I am in my midsixties and have been married since I was in my early twenties. I’ve struggled with depression, alcoholism, and drugs most of my life. The first twenty-five years of my marriage were a complete nightmare for my wife—infidelity, alcohol and drugs, and all the lies and false promises I made. For several years, I have been clean and sober with the help of AA.

My wife and I haven’t had a sexual relationship in several years. I have always had a high sex drive, and one day while surfing Craigslist I decided to try having sex with a man. I did, and I liked it. Honesty is a big part of AA and for staying sober. I am hiding this, and now all I feel is shame and guilt and it has ruined my sex life. Any advice?

Thanks for contacting me. First, congratulations on your sobriety. I know how difficult that struggle is. Substance use disorders are chronic conditions, much like diabetes, that can never be cured but must be managed on a day-to-day basis.

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I Have Sex with Men because my Wife is Alcoholic

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Can you give me advice? I’m in my mid-60s, married for over thirty years. I always had a good sex life with my wife but also enjoyed sex with men on the down low.  She busted me a couple of years ago when she found my Craig’s List searches on my computer.  She said I could continue to have sex with men, but never without her knowing, and she even suggested having a 3-way. She’s alcoholic, and her drunken stupors, being overweight, and poor self-esteem pushed me into my carnal desires! She said today she’ll quit drinking if I give up having sex with men. Our three kids are raised and know the situation. But I’m so confused! I don’t want to turn into an old gay man, but am I already?

This is a complicated situation, and life is full of predicaments where there don’t appear to be any good choices.  It can feel very hopeless at times. As I mentioned in my book, Finally Out, I also had a good sex life with my wife, although I know now (as does she) that it wasn’t as good as we thought back then.

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