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monogamy

Monogamy in Gay Couples

Dr. Olson,

I don’t know how to ask this, not even sure if I should, but I will. Given that there is a difference in sex drives between younger and older men, and you are significantly older than your partner, did that ever create conflict for you and/or him, and if so, how did you resolve it?

You may ask me anything—my life’s pretty much an open book—but I also suspect that you are more interested in your own sex life than mine, and I’m guessing you are concerned about differences in sexual desires between you and either a much older or younger partner. Continue reading

“Is My Husband Gay?”

Dear Dr. Olson,

Several months ago I met my boyfriend at a party and we really clicked. He asked me out and we’ve dated since then. He treats me very well. A few months after we started dating, he told me he thought he might be bisexual. He said he’s never been in a sexual relationship with a man, but he admits to having erotic fantasies when in the presence of attractive men our age. He admits those attractions are growing stronger. He vacillates between wanting a relationship with me and exploring his same-sex attractions. He doesn’t want to commit to me “until I understand my sexuality better.” Should I try to encourage him to stay with me or set him free to explore his sexuality? Am I being too old fashioned?

First let me say that most people who are bisexual will tell you that just because they’re bisexual doesn’t mean they cannot be monogamous. If you read through the comments on my essay “The Messy Realities of Bisexuality,” you will find many who say that whether you are bisexual or heterosexual, everyone experiences attractions to people outside their primary relationship. But we also have a choice: to control those desires or act on them. Bisexual people are no more promiscuous in their sexual behavior than heterosexuals. But heterosexuals aren’t all that good at monogamy either. Continue reading

Is Homosexuality Biological?

I am a self-identified gay man who recently stumbled across your book, Finally Out, and it raised some points that I want to ask you about. It seems to me that sexual desire may be learned rather than instinctual. Aren’t instincts and intelligence mutually exclusive? If homosexuality is a biologic instinct, in other words, hard-wired, wouldn’t it just die out?

The debate about whether being gay is nature versus nurture is one that has gone on for a long time and undoubtedly will continue for a long time.  I usually say that 99% of our brain functions at a primitive or primal level and 1% at a rational level.  Of course, these numbers are chosen arbitrarily to make a point. Continue reading

When I Am with a Woman, I Want a Man

The following comment was submitted in response to my article “The Messy Realities of Bisexuality”: I am a male in my forties and have explored being sexual with men for about five years. I have a strong attraction to fit, muscular men but also to soft and sensual women. It seems that when I am in a relationship with a man, I think about what I am missing with a woman and vice versa.

Your comment is fairly representative of someone who is bisexual. But this kind of conflict exists for people who are gay and straight as well. Being committed to a relationship does not disconnect our attraction to others. We may still have powerful sexual urges to be with someone else. We just don’t need to respond to every sexual urge we experience. Continue reading

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